Written in September 2016
Hard times build hard people.
The pain. The pain you feel is a white ball of healing light. -Tyler Durden
The impediment to action advances action. What stands in the way becomes the way. -Marcus Aurelius
Does what happens to you keep you from acting with justice, generosity, self control, sanity, prudence, honesty, humility, straightforwardness?
NOPE – Then get back to work.
The following is free form writing. I found out today that after dedicating hundreds and hundreds of hours of work and sacrifice towards a goal, I did not make it. I failed. When I found out, the first image that came to my head was a visual memory of the look on my son’s face when I had to leave him. He was two years old and wanted to play with his dad. I remember having to clear him from the threshold of the door so I could close it. He had a lack of understanding in his eyes, but his understanding of the world made more sense then mine. We locked eyes as I closed the door. Those hours, those moments I will never get back. He will never be that age again. I let him down.
The moment I oriented myself on the information I had received, I felt like someone had died. I felt like I was under water, my hearing changed, time slowed, I felt like someone had their hands on my heart. The feeling felt similar to when my dad died and when we found out about Connor. As I sit here, I temporarily feel like any laugh or smile is only surface related. There is a deep level of grief.
This grief, this pain, I want to meet face to face. I want to allow it in. I want it to hurt me. I’m lucky because it hurts. I want to cry. I will grieve. I will respect these feelings. I will get up and stand with them. I am brave enough to face them. I will stand up in the storm. I will face these arrows. I will be proud and unbending in defeat. I cherish these moments. This pain is a blessing.