Pain Now, Pride Forever.

Written in September 2016

Hard times build hard people.

The pain.  The pain you feel is a white ball of healing light. -Tyler Durden

The impediment to action advances action. What stands in the way becomes the way. -Marcus Aurelius

Does what happens to you keep you from acting with justice, generosity, self control, sanity, prudence, honesty, humility, straightforwardness?

NOPE – Then get back to work.

The following is free form writing.  I found out today that after dedicating hundreds and hundreds of hours of work and sacrifice towards a goal, I did not make it. I failed.  When I found out, the first image that came to my head was a visual memory of the look on my son’s face when I had to leave him.  He was two years old and wanted to play with his dad.  I remember having to clear him from the threshold of the door so I could close it.  He had a lack of understanding in his eyes, but his understanding of the world made more sense then mine. We locked eyes as I closed the door.  Those hours, those moments I will never get back. He will never be that age again.  I let him down. 

The moment I oriented myself on the information I had received, I felt like someone had died. I felt like I was under water, my hearing changed, time slowed, I felt like someone had their hands on my heart. The feeling felt similar to when my dad died and when we found out about Connor. As I sit here, I temporarily feel like any laugh or smile is only surface related.  There is a deep level of grief. 

This grief, this pain, I want to meet face to face.  I want to allow it in.  I want it to hurt me.  I’m lucky because it hurts. I want to cry.  I will grieve.  I will respect these feelings.  I will get up and stand with them.  I am brave enough to face them. I will stand up in the storm.  I will face these arrows.  I will be proud and unbending in defeat.  I cherish these moments.  This pain is a blessing.  

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Be Prepared

While at work, I heard a call come in of a 2 month old baby not breathing on the 8th floor of a hotel. I was two blocks away. I had just gone through a refresher course in CPR/AED training a week prior.  I was there in seconds.

I parked and ran into the lobby. I saw the elevators were high in the building near the top floors, so the only option was to find and sprint the stairs. I could not sit there and wait while a baby, that I could help, was not breathing. I was in a wool uniform with a vest, gear, and boots and I had been sitting down for a while. None of this matters at a time like this.  What matters is I flew up the stairs as fast as I could to put myself in a position to save a baby’s life.  While I was running up the stairs I had a very familiar feeling, like I had been there before.  I had been training for this moment for years thanks to my CrossFit training.  It was very clear to me why I had been doing what I had all this time. I was not only able to sprint up the stairs quickly, but I was able to stay calm and recover my breath quickly once I reached the destination.  This allowed me to be in position to save a life with poise.

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